One of the most painful aspects of abuse during childhood is the sense of powerlessness a child or young person may experience, alongside the assault on their dignity and sense of self.
A child may feel powerless because they cannot change their family circumstances, cannot stop the abuse from happening, or cannot find a way to end their pain by speaking out and receiving the help they need. They may feel trapped in a situation over which they have little or no control.
Experiences like these can cause significant internal damage. They can result in real difficulty to trust others or feel safe in relationships in later life.
As adults, some survivors may find themselves struggling with patterns of behaviour in relationships that have developed as ways of coping with the hurt and powerlessness they experienced in childhood.
These patterns can be difficult to recognise and change, particularly when they have been part of a person’s life for many years.
Understanding the impact of these experiences can be an important step towards recognising our needs, rebuilding trust and developing healthier relationships with ourselves and others.
Importance Of Boundaries:
Our experiences during childhood can influence how we understand our own needs, rights and boundaries as we grow older.
Young people and children often have no boundaries, no internal way to protect themselves from abuse or to keep from being abusive to others. When a child’s boundaries have repeatedly been ignored or violated they may not have the opportunity to learn how to recognise, establish and maintain boundaries that help them feel safe. They may also grow up without a clear sense that their feelings, needs and personal space deserve to be respected.
This can affect how boundaries are experienced in adulthood. For some survivors, it may be difficult to say no, express their needs or take control of decisions in their lives. In not being protective enough of their boundaries it could leave them vulnerable to situations in which they experience further abuse.
Other survivors may respond by becoming too protective of their boundaries, finding it difficult to trust people or allow others to get close therefore end up entering into controlling and manipulative behaviour.
These responses can be understood in the context of what a person has experienced and the ways they have learnt to cope. Recognising how past experiences may influence present relationships can help us begin to understand what we need to feel safer and more in control.
Re-Building Healthy Boundaries
Good boundaries are not walls – they are permeable and let the good in and keep the bad out. Boundaries help us recognise where we end and another person begins. They give us the space to understand our own feelings, needs and values, while allowing us to build relationships based on mutual respect, trust and care.
True boundaries are never selfish. They are an important part of looking after ourselves, they give us space to regroup and gain strength to be in healthy relationships with others. Good boundaries can also help us develop a stronger sense of who we are and what matters to us.
Rebuilding boundaries can be an important part of moving away from the powerlessness experienced in the past and towards a greater sense of choice, control and empowerment. It can help us begin to feel safer in our relationships and more able to give and receive care without losing sight of our own needs.
However, learning to establish or change boundaries is not always easy. Patterns developed over many years can take time to understand and change. It is important to be patient and compassionate with ourselves as we begin to explore new ways of relating to ourselves and others.
There is no single way to rebuild boundaries, and progress will look different for everyone. Small steps, such as recognising when something does not feel right, practising saying no, expressing a need or taking time for ourselves, can all be meaningful.
Support can also play an important role. Talking with trusted friends or exploring suitable support groups may provide opportunities to feel heard, develop confidence and practise new ways of relating to others in a supportive environment. For some people, professional support may also be helpful.
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