Celebrity Big Brother is back next week. This is about people who volunteer to be filmed 24/7 in a house they cannot leave – and the rewards are – publicity – more fame – and of course money! But what if you have been trapped in a house that you cannot leave and it is not voluntary? For many Survivors of sexual abuse this has been their history. They have been in situations where they have not had in control or any say over what happens to them – in essence they are left in a situation where they are powerless and often very fearful. These feelings of powerlessness often continue into adulthood making relationships and life very difficult.
Seeking To Control
The experience of powerlessness often leads to an extreme fear of being vulnerable or controlled in anyway and results in controlling behaviour patterns. Controlling people are often the most hurting people in our community but because they are so hard to engage with they often end up the loneliest.
- Controlling relationships – never letting go into a relationship and trying to control people
- Very rigid decision making – Difficulty in seeing another person’s point of view
- Controlling and obsessive rituals
- Addiction and Co-Dependency – trying to control inner feelings by outer things
- Driven by compulsions – e.g. food, drugs, alcohol, fantasy and obsessions, workaholism, perfectionism
Remaining A Victim
The helplessness of the situation often results in not being able to take charge of life in an adult way. The lack of boundaries meant that people victimised as children sometimes go onto be victimised in adult life. They accept treatment that healthier people would not tolerate.
- Remaining as a victim and repeating abusive/destructive patterns again and again
- Remaining child like – not adult in relationships
- Attraction to people who are controlling.
- Chaotic living – not being able to cope with everyday life
- Not being able to take any control or power in relationships or life
- Inability to make decisions
A critical way out of the powerlessness of the past and future re-empowerment is to re-build your boundaries so you feel safe enough to be able to give and receive in relationships. However, learning to change boundaries is a tricky task as they can be embedded for years. There are several steps to take when you are in the process of building boundaries both with yourself and with others. Usually good boundaries do not appear overnight but are learnt over a period of time we may need to be patient with ourselves as we step into new ways of relating to ourselves and others. Asking for support around this from your close friends could be important – as well as considering different kinds of support groups that may be available to us that could be places to practice new boundaries.