Supporters of Survivors may often feel overlooked or not supported themselves.
It can be so hard to be a friend, partner or relative of someone who has experienced abuse. Of course you want to support the person you care about as best as you can.
But that is not always easy. Especially if you don’t have any information on what is the best way to respond – and what to say.
Here is some information that could be helpful to you:
Believe The Survivor
Believe the survivor – this is extremely important as a way of showing your support. Sometimes what we hear from survivors may sound unbelievable, but this does not mean it is not true. Be consistent with what you can offer and only make offers or commitments that you know you will be able to keep.
Listen To The Survivor
Sometimes survivors just need someone to listen to them. Let them know that you are there if they need to talk but don’t force them if they don’t want to or press them for details of their experience(s).Ask them what they need / want from you and how you can help to meet their needs. Give them time to think about what their needs are.
Recognise The Harm:
Recognise the harm that has been done and the variety of feelings and emotions the survivor may be feeling (anger, depression, fear, for example). Give them the opportunity to express these feelings, allow them to cry, shout or just be silent. Let them know that these feelings are natural reactions. Don’t be dismissive. You should seek professional help if they say they’re feeling suicidal. You need to encourage them to go to their GP or phone their GP yourself if this is the case.
Supporting:
Encourage them to discuss their options with you and look for support. Let them know what support you’re able to offer and where you can’t provide what they need, help them to find out what other options and resources are available (such as counselling services).Help to empower them to make their own choices and decisions. This can allow them to feel that they are in control of their life again (where their experience may have made them feel overpowered and helpless). Don’t force them to do anything they are unsure of or do not want to do. Offer practical support. They may want someone to accompany them on the journey to work, or someone to stay with them at home. If they decide to report to the police, you could offer to go with them and support them through the criminal justice process. If the event occurred recently and the survivor is considering reporting to the police (either now or in the future), you could offer to go with them to their GP, or a SARC (Sexual Assault Referral Centre) for the collection of forensic evidence.
Sexuality:
If you’re the partner of a survivor, it’s important to understand that their needs or desires may have changed. Try to be patient and talk to them about their feelings. They may not want any physical contact including non-sexual forms of intimacy such as cuddling or holding hands or they may prefer this to having sexual intercourse for a time. Reassure them that it’s ok to say “no” to you.
What Not To Say:
Don’t blame or judge them. Never say “You should have done…” or “if only you had…” or ask them why they didn’t fight back. The fault always lies with the perpetrator
Ignore it or tell them to forget about it
Take charge, tell them what to do, or make decisions on their behalf
Don’t talk about the details of the abuse, particularly if it is a recent event.
Don’t make promises of support that you may not be able to keep
Don’t lean on the survivor for support if you’re struggling to cope
Supporting Yourself:
It’s important to look after yourself and to think about your own needs. You will be sharing some upsetting and disturbing experiences and may feel a variety of emotions yourself such as anger, guilt and wanting to protect the survivor. Try to think of ways of getting support for yourself:
Talk to a friend (with permission) or identify services, such as counselling, that you can rely on for support and use them
Set limits to the amount of time you are available to talk about the rape / sexual abuse.
Plan activities you can enjoy together with the survivor that will help to sustain the relationship with no reference to the survivor’s experience.
Take some time and space for yourself.
(Source: www.trusthouse.org.uk)
Into The Light runs workshops regularly that offers support to Supporters of Survivors including Partners, Friends and Mental Health professionals.
Contact us for more details.