Taking Control of Sex After Sexual Abuse


 

Perhaps not surprisingly if you have experienced sexual abuse or violation, sex itself can be extremely confusing and perhaps even emotionally and physically painful.  There is so much to say about this but we would like to share some of our learning with you that could be helpful.

During the years that “Into The Light” has been running – nearly 25 now (!)  the women and men within the groups have themselves come up with some very practical measures about how you can take control in relationships when the trauma of sexual confusion starts to kick in. Perhaps feeling safe is the most important aspect to focus on. These are a few of the key points that past Into The Light group members have found helpful:

• If you are in a relationship explain to your partner that sexuality is a difficult area for you as a whole – its not just about them and their attractiveness
• Build good physical boundaries that you are both happy with and you feel safe with. Do this before you start getting physical with each other – often there is not time once things get heated
• If you are in an embrace or kissing keep your eyes open so you stay focused on who you are with and your mind can’t be tricked into putting the abuser’s face there
• Get your partner to keep talking to you – to speak your name when you are physically involved this again will help you to stay in the present
• Go slowly. Let trust build
• Unite – become allies in solving this problem together rather than just blame each other.
• If sex is very important to your partner – see this not as a threat but as a vision of what sex can be for you too
• If your partner does not respect your physical boundaries you may need to re-consider the whole relationship and or get outside support

Whether you are having sex or not your sexuality it’s still a fundamental part of you.
This is why, because it’s so delicate and important, if it is violated the effects are so devastating. But perhaps the most central way out of the pain of the past is to share it. The healing of the physical violation of our bodies can start with physically speaking it out.  Talking about it in a supportive group or with a counsellor could be a safe place to start to unravel the past, break the shame and give you back some control of what is yours.