| Core issue: shame
Shame Is Hidden
For some people the mere discussion of shame is in itself shameful. If you talk about shame in your own life it is likely to bring up lots of undealt with shame in other people’s lives, and so people usually will not want to discuss shame on any level. Yet, all of us have lived with the bitter taste of shame. Sexual abuse is so shameful however, because tragically the person who should feel the shame of it – the abuser – usually never owns it and the victim is doomed to carry it.
How Shame Enters
Shame enters from an external source from significant people in our lives and becomes internalised.
Shame usually enters in childhood through:
| • |
Abandonment – Physical or emotional |
| • |
Rejection and Unmet Needs – This could be directly or indirectly through parent’s illness/busyness/pre-occupation with other problems |
| • |
Misnaming – Way child is treated/ Name calling and Ridicule |
| • |
Abuse – Physical/Emotional/Sexual |
Sexual abuse victims may well have experienced not just the shame of the abuse, but the feelings of abandonment, rejection and misnaming alongside and as part of the sexual abuse.
Shame Is Long Term
For sexual abuse victims shame has formed a foundation in our lives in two respects:
| • |
The shame of the abuse because it is a taboo subject. |
| • |
The shame of abuse because it is an assault on our dignity and personality. |
The shame that is related to the abuse does not disappear when childhood ends but rather is held inside and can manifest itself in lots of different ways – from feelings of worthlessness and being unable to have proper relationships – to obsessive patterns of shame based behaviour.
When you are consumed by shame you avoid situations where you will be exposed and embarrassed. Relationships become very difficult as we constantly seek to protect ourselves from exposure and therefore keep people at a distance.
Shame Behaviours
There are severe effects on our behaviours and thought patterns because of the shame of abuse:
| • |
Shame makes us feel that “there is something wrong with me” and everything we do feels coloured by a shame filter. Our circumstances and what we hear can be interpreted as shameful even if they are not intended to be. |
| • |
Shame makes our fear of rejection very strong. |
| • |
Shame makes us isolated and lonely – frightened when someone wants to be close to us. |
| • |
Shame affects our body posture – shame based people often cannot hold eye contact, their heads hang and their shoulders droop. |
| • |
Shame makes us very defensive when criticised and unable to receive any constructive criticism. |
| • |
Shame makes us enter into people pleasing behaviours – with no idea how to get our real needs met. |
| • |
Shame makes us over responsible for things that happen – often turning us into victims or martyrs. |
| • |
Shame makes you very self punishing – either through negative self talk or even physically punishing self – through burning with cigarettes and cutting. |
| • |
Shame makes us feel very aggressive and defiant – through the suppressed rage and anger not wanting to be exposed. |
| • |
Shame makes us depressed through having to hold all the feelings and anger inside. |
Contaminated Shame
The shame becomes internalised and then becomes “Contaminated Shame” where everything around you and everyone becomes interpreted as shameful – you no longer need the external even to feel shameful – you do it to yourself. You start to descend into what often becomes extreme self-consciousness.
We attempt to overcome this shame and self-consciousness by:
| • |
Perfectionism – So we are never exposed |
| • |
Defiance – Refusal to admit our humanity – anger hides the shame |
| • |
Responsibility and obsessive behaviour patterns – routines that help us to stop feeling shame. |
Shame Based Families:
It is important to understand how families reinforce the shame of abuse.
Shame based families:
| • |
Deny or minimise the needs of the individual. |
| • |
Are insulated, isolated and rigid in the way they communicate |
| • |
Rules are formed around not having feelings or needs. |
| • |
Anything which touches on shame is not allowed - families are designed to protect shame e.g. Don’t upset your mother by talking about things that she finds difficult. |
Victims are often held responsible for abuse whether this is communicated overtly or not and feel everything is their fault. They feel they have betrayed themselves and others and this can turn inwards and become very destructive.
Way Out Of Shame
The very last thing we want to do when we feel ashamed about something is to expose it to others and yet ironically the way out of shame is to talk about it. The starting point to be released from the shame of abuse is breaking the silence about the “secrets” of the abuse. Sharing these “secrets” in a trustworthy environment frees the burden of carrying it alone. It also helps to identify the shaming messages that the abuse bought on whether these were verbalised or not.
It is also important to receive new messages and feedback to put in messages of confidence and affirmation in place of negative shame filled thoughts.
We need to have a support system and a safe place in order to share those shameful secrets. This could be a recovery group, a counsellor, through close friends or a combination of these.
But we must talk about it – you cannot recover from shame on your own.
Things to think about:
| • |
Do you feel to blame for the abuse? |
| • |
How could you lay the blame firmly back on the abuser? |
| • |
Do you think other children are to blame if they are abused? |
| • |
What are the negative messages you give yourself? |
| • |
Are you hyper vigilant when you are around people? |
| • |
Do you work hard not to let people into how you are really feeling? |
| • |
Who could you trust to talk through some of these shame issues? |
|
