Core issue: forgiveness

For many people the idea of forgiving someone who has abused them and devastated their life is totally unacceptable – even repulsive. Why forgive someone who has deliberately caused you untold amounts of pain and suffering? Surely forgiving means you will loose even more power to your abuser?

Why Forgive
The most important aspect of forgiveness you need to remember is - it is for you.
It is not about your abuser – the point about forgiveness is it will release you from being a victim. Unforgiveness hurts us because when we are consumed by hate and unforgiveness for someone – they become our focus and we remain tied to them and remain their victims.
Forgiveness releases us from that person
Forgiveness separates us from bitterness and anger
Forgiveness stops us from projecting anger and bitterness onto others who remind us of the person who has hurt us.

What is Forgiveness
Forgiveness is not about denial. Forgiveness is admitting it was that bad – that abusive. Many people think forgiveness over looks and forgets the harm done. This is not the case – we have to fully acknowledge the atrocities against us. Forgiveness is also not forgetting. We do not “forgive and forget”.

We always remember, but the pain in time can diminish.

Forgiveness Is A Process
Forgiveness is a much more complex process than people think. It takes time. Getting in touch with the pain, anger, grief and loss is all part of the process of forgiveness. All these stages are not to be rushed. To the extent you have been abused will be equal to your pain and anger. Walking towards forgiveness is a long road and some events are so traumatic you could not possibly forgive them in one go.

Many times we have to forgive and forgive again and again over the same events.
This does not mean our initial forgiveness was meaningless.
But rather, we are going deeper into forgiveness - forgiving one layer at a time.
Each time you may feel just as angry, in just as much pain, just as sad, but you are progressing - and releasing the past in a deeper way.

Who We Forgive
We have to forgive several people our groups of people:

Forgiving Ourselves
We never have to forgive ourselves because of the abuse. The abuse is always the responsibility of the abuser. However we do have to forgive ourselves for the negative choices we may have made because we were abused. This could be destructive relationships, addiction problems or negative behaviour patterns.

Letting go of the angry feelings you may be holding against your self and getting support to make some changes will allow you to move forward. Otherwise your life may be filled with thinking “If only I hadn’t done this or acted that way..”. It is a life filled with sadness and regret – and also being trapped in cycles of behaviour that you desperately want to stop - feels very hopeless and lonely. Getting support to deal with difficult issues is a way of forgiving and caring for yourself.

Forgiveness Does Not Mean Being Re-Abused
We fear forgiveness because when we have anger and unforgiveness it acts as a wall of defence. When we forgive it leaves us open and vulnerable again. However forgiving someone does not mean being re-abused by them – or anyone else.

We need to build up healthy boundaries that let the good in and keep the bad out.
This may well mean keeping the abuser – and unhealthy people out of your life.
If the abuser is a close family member you will need help and support in this.
This is especially true if your family is unlikely to believe you.

If you are under sixteen you must get help in this area from either your school, social worker or contact Childline as a first step - their number is 0800 1111.

Confrontation
If you are thinking of confronting your abuser or your family you have to think carefully about how you will cope afterwards. Confrontation rarely leads to acknowledgement of the abuse. Nearly all abusers deny the abuse. Confrontation should only be done with extreme caution and a lot of outside support before and after.

Forgiveness and Reconciliation
There is a big difference between forgiving someone and being reconciled to them. The only chance of restoration of relationship with the abuser is if they have truly shown signs of accountability and change.

The abuser must do the following:

If these steps are not taken you cannot be reconciled. Remember a stand against abuse is a stand for forgiveness but not necessarily a stand for reconciliation.

Things to think about: