Articles

Articles by Rebecca Mitchell on sexual abuse

When I was re-located by the ever increasing rent prices of Notting Hill (thanks to Hugh, Robbie, Geri et al) to the rather less salubrious surroundings of Peckham; my partner wisely suggested I replace my rucksack bag with something more secure.

Ignoring his advise I carried on for several months back pack in place until one day I boarded a 53 bus but my purse didn’t.  As he had predicted someone had easily been able to access my worldly goods from behind while I obliviously read my “Evening Standard.” I’m sure you will understand when I tell you, without wanting to cast aspersions on my fellow South Londoners, I didn’t use that bag any more.  I forgave who ever took my money but I didn’t want to risk it again.

As someone who has been sexually abused myself and spent ten years running a support group for other women in my situation - sadly although an extreme incident -  this example of Christian naivety is not unique.  Many times I hear women say they have been instructed by Christians they must simply “forgive and forget” their abuse. I myself remember only too well being taken aside by a well meaning Pastor who kept saying “just say you forgive ..just say it..just say it..just say it” this went on for twenty five minutes.  In the end I buckled under the pressure and blandly repeated his words.  But I knew my heart had not changed – and so did God. I was simply at that time not in the place to say those words, I needed more time to come to terms with the effects of being a long term incest victim.  Similarly “Joyce” has been severely castigated by her Christian family because she refuses to eat dinner at the table with the father that repeatedly raped her throughout her childhood. “You are breaking up the family” she is told “It is your Christian responsibility to forgive him forget and make up”.

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Jesus also was very astute in who he trusted himself to.  He realised that not all men do change, and although he forgave those soldiers and leaders who crucified him, there is no record that he went back later to talk it through with them over a meal as He did with his disciples in John Chapter 24.  David, also, realised despite Saul’s plea to the contrary ”I will not try to harm you again” (1 Samuel 26 v 21) that he was not a man to be trusted. David  knew Saul’s character had not changed and that he needed to take action in order to preserve his life -“one of these days I will be destroyed by the hand of Saul the best thing I can do is to escape” (1 Samuel 27 v 1).

Foolishly and sadly, she had not put her husband’s repentance under the harsh light of examination another Jesus “type” Joseph wisely did.  He not give his brothers a full reconciliation until after they’d been put through a series of tests by him (“he pretended to be a stranger” Genesis 42 v 7) to see if they really had changed and matured and could now be trusted.  Jesus too stressed in Luke 17 v 3 “if your brother repents forgive him”.  There is, in the Christian world, so much emphasis placed on the forgiveness part that often the issue of repentance is completely overlooked.

However, the forgiveness road is not an easy road to travel, and for many broken people forgiveness, like holiness, is a long term event and there are many stages to it.

Forgiveness Has A Time

We have to be sensitive to the Holy Spirit when we are praying for forgiveness.  God may be showing us what we have to forgive and concentrating on that before He asks us to forgive. Joseph fully acknowledged the injury done to him and therefore was able to give a total forgiveness “You intended to harm me…” (Genesis 50 v 20). He did not minimise it or brush it under the carpet in order to get to the forgiveness part as soon as possible -  as Christians are so often led to do.   Joseph had worked his forgiveness through over time, and when it was given, it was a deep and meaningful, taking into account the years of pain and damage that he had suffered. Getting in touch with the anger, grief and pain is part of the process all leading to forgiveness. Deep forgiveness takes time.  To the extent you have been damaged will be the extent you have to forgive and will be equal to your pain and sadness. We walk towards a total release - we may not achieve that release immediately.

Many times we have to forgive and forgive again and again over the same events.

This does not mean our initial forgiveness was meaningless.   But rather, God is taking us deeper into forgiveness - forgiving one layer at a time. This process often means you need support, counsel and an understanding community. The Christian Community could provide the ideal place for those working through to forgiveness standing with them in prayer and empathy as this process takes place as opposed to hurrying the person along.

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If you are constantly consumed by hate and bitterness to someone  they become our focus and we remain bound to them. Forgiveness releases you into your life – without forgiveness you will always be a captive of someone else’s.

Forgiveness Is Not Denial
Forgiveness is fully admitting what happened saying “Yes it was that bad.” We don’t just “forgive and forget” - we forgive and the memory still remains but the pain diminishes.

Forgiving God
For so many Christians it is difficult to even admit and acknowledge their anger against God,  who has allowed such an event to happen to them.  But God is more than able to handle  anger against Him.  Being honest with God is the step towards a real relationship with Him and will open the door to His healing touch. We have to understand God has not perpetrated our personal tragedy but we have to come to a place were we accept what God has allowed. 

It also does not mean  that we do not hold that person accountable for their actions.  In her book on sexual abuse “A Door Of Hope”  Jan Frank says this “We charge to  the offender’s account the sins and injustices he inflicted on us…(and) .we ultimately leave the judgement of the sin to God”.  She goes on to talk about taking legal action in cases of abuse dismissing the argument this is personal revenge -  but rather allowing natural consequences to follow a sinful act. 

The church could be the ideal place for people who are struggling to get over a damaged past.  Role modelling amongst Christians of healthy relationships is an incredibly powerful and yet very natural way in which healing and restoration can take place.

My forgiveness  – of course – but I won’t be taking a ride with that guy again.

Sources:
A Door Of Hope – Jan Frank Published by Here’s Life Publications

The Orlando Sentinel  – Friday 12th December 2003

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